Wednesday, March 9, 2011

IGHN Guide to Who Your Favorite NBA Players Should Be

Hello basketball fans, welcome to the public service portion of our humble blog. Since we assume most of our readers are dirt-eating/mouth-breathing morons who are too dumb to really know who should be their favorite players, I GO HARD NOW is here to help!

We put together a handy little list of our 10 favorite players, so now you can tell all your friends these are your favorite players too! I did some very scientific polling of all of the IGHN bloggers to come up with these fool-proof results, so feel free to share these findings with your friends and family! (BTW While writing this post, I am enjoying a giant bowl of Mitchell’s Ice Cream. Seriously. It’s good as fuck. I wanted you to know. And if Mitchell’s wants to do some business and make some things happen here, that would be cool with me. Send Mikey some ice cream and we can make all kinds of shit go on in this blog. I might even change the name to “We Go Hard With Some Delicious Ice Cream From Mitchell’s Now.”)

1) Blake Griffin

Blake is the big winner of the “Favorite Player of IGHN” award by being named on four out of five ballots (WHAT THE FUCK KENDON?!? YOU HATE BLAKE GRIFFIN?). I mean this is a no brainer.

The best way to describe his game is he plays like a dog. People who have a dog know that when you get your dog riled up, like when the dog is all playfully biting you and jumping around, it’s really hard to calm it down. That’s Blake. From the moment he places his cock and balls on someone’s forehead, he is all juiced up and ready to go. For the next 15 minutes all he wants to do is dunk on someone again. You can’t calm him down. He really is the best ever.

Side note: Although not exactly a Blake highlight, he was involved in my favorite moment from the 2011 Cavs season thus far.

2) Derrick Rose

Derrick Rose is a personal favorite of mine and garnered the second most votes among all players here. Look, I wrote a haiku about him:

Derrick Rose is good
He might be a gang member
He gets to the rim

3) Christian Eyenga

Our god damn blog is named after the guy, he is going to make this list. Let’s run down why he is so awesome:
  • He can dunk from half court
  • He has not missed a three pointer all season
  • He speaks approximately 300 languages (included two intergalactic dialects)
  • He makes a living destroying ugly Spanish guys at the rim
If there is any sort of goal to this blog, it’s to convert people to Christianity.

4) Delonte West

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking he made this list solely because he fucked LeBron’s mom. And you would be right. But I would like to submit the following videos to you as further evidence on why he is so awesome:

5) Zach Randolph

I was stunned by him making the list, but upon further review it makes perfect sense. Z-Bo is a points and rebounds machine, he’s built like a marshmallow and he may or may not have been involved in a huge drug cartel in Indianapolis (let the record show that big Zach was cleared of all charges). In addition, he’s a HUGE fan of SpongeBob.
All you need to know about Z-Bo is that Kendon described him as “he seems like character of The Wire.” Enough said.

6) Joakim Noah

Imma let my homey Kendon ride out on all ya’ll bitches:
He's a stoner asshole who says whatever the fuck he wants to say. He excels on defense and rebounding and his intangibles on the court are about the same as his personality off it. He's kind of a dick on the court like the Bad Boy Pistons rolled up into a weird looking foreigner.

If that wasn’t enough, let’s hear a ringing endorsement from Jon:
I am a University of Florida grad and was at UF for both of Noah's titles and we watched him up close and in personal for three years. He smokes weed, listens to reggae, speaks French and doesn't a give a fuck! He plays with all heart and is ugly as my asshole, I love this guy!

Well said gentlemen.

7) Kevin Durant

Kevin Durant is like that perfect girlfriend that your buddy has that you lust over. She is nice and humble (signed a contract extension to little fanfare), friendly (all his teammates love him) and has a giant rack (that insane wingspan and unstoppable jump shot).

He’s everyone’s favorite player and is pretty much perfect. He will be the nice guy replacement for Tim Duncan for like the next 10 years.

8) Gilbert Arenas

Let’s look over Gilbert Arenas’ resume:
  • Used to yell “hibachi” when he shot three pointers
  • Said he would score 85 points on a college team (as a professional)
  • Shit in a teammate’s shoe
As most people know, injuries and a stupid gun incident last season have turned Gil into some half-retarded zombie in the present day. Let’s hope he pulls out of it and does more weird shit.
9) Chris “Birdman” Anderson

I think JP’s got this one:
The Birdman is a made up person. He has to be. Suspension for hardcore drugs? Check. Full throat tattoo (in full color!)? Check. Randomly 6’10? Check (I had no idea he was that tall).
There no way he hasn’t forced himself on a female at some point in his life.

10) Stephen Jackson aka Captain Jack

In the voting, Capt. Jack and Rajon Rondo were tied and I made the executive decision to untie them. Let’s see here, this is another long list so we get more bullet points:

So there it is kids, our list of awesome NBA basketball players. Go drop some knowledge on your friends and tell them about all your new favorites!

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